The Batman 

I’m five minutes into The Batman and so far not a single scene has seemed useful.

- Voyeur with binoculars watching a mansion. Presumably the Wayne Mansion? Who knows? No establishing shots, but Ave Maria for some religious? significance
- Focus on a skylight for no reason
- Guy watching TV footage
- TV footage about issues we don’t have reason to care about and don’t seem relevant to movie yet
- Guy watching TV is randomly clubbed by fetishist we don’t know

The Batman 

This can’t even be blamed on “Cold Open” because this is the hottest open in possibly decades: WB logo, Title card, brief and neither animated and no orchestra overture

Is there connective tissue I’m missing or is this just as badly shot, edited, and written as it seems at face value?

I’ve given it five minutes. I cannot take three of this. I’m tempted to stop here. Normally I’d wait for at least the title card, but uh, saw it already

The Batman 

At this point I know we aren’t likely to convince the suits to give us another Adam West style Batman in our lifetimes, but at this point I would settle for even Schumaker and Clooney style Batman over whatever this pretentious but sloppy as hell five minutes was

The Batman 

Someone suggested I give it another five or thirty five minutes. At 6 minutes in Batman actually shows up as nervous noir-cliche VO and the only real clue it was Batman VO at first was [Bruce] in the subtitles. I’ve never felt so much that a film was both wasting my time and rushing through exposition SO MUCH, AT THE SAME TIME. Random shots of random city crap. Gang violence threat in subway station. At the 10 minute mark SUITED Batman finally shows up and says Bat cliches.

The Batman 

Note: This Batman starts violence immediately, despite the gang violence only being a threat and not, you know, actually accomplished 🤦 Failed vigilantism

The Batman 

15 minutes in we finally get a scene good enough to start the movie with. (Not currently Commissioner) Gordon inviting Batman to a crime scene and Batman doing actual Detective Work, a massive surprise for The World’s Greatest Detective. Then the movie ruins it with bad emo soundtrack and awful worldbuilding in the immediate next shot. (Madison Square Garden barely reframed as Gotham Square Garden. The city had better names for a Square? 🙄) I have made it to 19 minutes, bored again

The Batman 

I made it to (exactly) the 40 minute mark, finally. (While backgrounded, so I wasn’t paying as much attention to specific cuts.)

Highlights:

- Alfred is fine
- More almost detective work for World’s Greatest Detective
- Penguin is fine
- Catwoman is FINE (😼)

Lowlights:

- So the gimp dude in the first five minutes is the uncreative take on The Riddler? Boring and gross
- I’m still so bored by this plot; useless mayoral candidates and sleazebag mistresses 🥱
- Thumb drive “jokes” 🤢

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The Batman 

At 40 minutes of 3 hours I think it safe to entirely call it that The Batman just isn’t working for me.

HBO Max tells me I’ve got another 45 minutes of Batman & Robin left to rewatch from falling asleep drunkenly dreaming of Taco Bell the other night, and maybe I’ll watch Batman Forever for Carrey’s awful but fun Riddler after that.

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